Could it be long-lingering guilt?
Recently, on my neighborhood walk, I noticed an odd behavior of mine that started decades ago, and apparently still occasionally happens. I was walking along a side-walked four-lane road and came upon another road with an attractive older woman sitting in her car, waiting to pull out onto the four-lane.
I stopped. She motioned me across. There was still traffic on the road, and she would have to wait a moment or two. But I was not prepared to walk in front of her car. Instead, I turned and walked up the road a ways and then crossed the road behind her.
This behavior should not be construed as a slight against women drivers in general. In fact, it has nothing to do with driving. It has solely to do with my concern that the woman in the car, looking at me, might be reminded of some fellow from her past who had done her wrong. If that proved to be the case, and depending upon her mood, walking in front of her car could be quite dangerous.
I guess I have that kind of face. I was sort of cute in my younger days, but never strikingly handsome. I was the kind of guy that women had to get to know a little before they would become attracted to me, at least that appeared to be the case. But on occasion, for no reason apparent to me, a woman I would come in contact with would immediately take a disliking to me, sometimes to the point of expressing what appeared to be an unreasonable level of anger toward me. And for no good reason, as far as I could tell.
Those few experiences led me to be quite wary of going into situations that could become dangerous. My thinking is this: some women have a love-life history that includes a man who really did them wrong. And I have a generic face that could look like that low-life son of a gun.
And so, if you see me walking along the road, and you are sitting in your car, and you are a woman ... chances are that I will not, under any circumstances, walk in front of your car, just in case I remind you of some low-life son of a gun that you would run over, if you had half a chance.
I think I was a good guy during my relationships with women. But I'm 73 years old now, and my memory is far from perfect. So there she is in her car, looking at me, motioning me to cross in front of her.
I ain't doing it.
Is that a real smile, or does it hide murderous intent?
Have I been misidentified?
Heck.
For all I know ... I might actually be that low-life son of a gun.